“You Have Gained Your Brother” (Matthew 18:15)

¹⁵ [I]f your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. (Matthew 18:15)

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
— Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing

There are moments in our relationships where tension arises. Not between inveterate enemies or sworn adversaries. Not between unbelievers; between men or women who both confess Christ. Between brothers. In such moments, our Lord gives clear guidance on what to do. (See the passage excerpt above.) I cannot help but notice that discretion is part of the prescription. The first attempt to deal with the offense, the fault, or the sin against me is not to be carried out in public. Jesus says go and tell my brother his fault between me and him alone. When I go to my brother he may receive what I am saying. In that case, I have gained my brother. I found the word gained curious. What does it mean to “gain” a brother?

First, let us say that it does not mean. It does not mean merely winning an argument or getting an acceptable apology. That is right, it does not mean securing an approved apology as a kind of emotional payment. Acceptable-apology based forgiveness is big in Western culture. The idea has even infiltrated the church. We make an acceptable apology an essential element of restored fellowship. However, the plain teaching of Scripture is that is is sufficient for the offender to (1) admit fault and (2) repent of the action. Somewhere along the line we have added the notion of getting an apology that makes us feel like the person is really sorry for their wrongdoing. The consistent emphasis of Scripture, though, is on repentance toward God and restoration of fellowship, not the satisfaction of the offended person’s emotional expectations. Forgiveness, in the modern approach to reconciliation, becomes a function of feelings in the offended. Jesus Himself says:

Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.
— Luke 17:3 (NKJV)

Notice the condition is repentance (metanoia — a change of mind resulting in changed direction), not the delivery of an emotionally satisfying apology.

Repentance is measured by turning, not by tone.

Similarly, James says:

Confess your trespasses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed.
— James 5:16 (NKJV)

The command is confession, not performance. Confession is coming into alignment with the truth about our actions – admitting fault and agreeing with God. This is key: it is agreement with God about the wrong. Scripture never specifies that the confession must be emotionally persuasive, eloquent, or satisfying to the offended party.

So then, if the offending brother hears you, what does it mean to say you have gained your brother. The gain is first and foremost toward God not myself. A few cross references will help us understand. James writes:

Let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save a soul from death and cover a multitude of sins.
— James 5:20 (NKJV)

The person is being saved. From what? My wrath? Broken fellowship with me? No. They are being saved from broken fellowship or relationship with God and committing more sins against God. We make ourselves more important than we are when we view the verse as being about gaining our brother back to ourselves. The goal is to gain them back toward the Father. (See Matthew 18:19 and get more of the context of this passage. It is really all about the Father and that broken fellowship. Their failure in our relationship is really the outworking of a failure to love God well in relationship with Him.) And there is more in support of seeing this as being about promoting repentance toward the Father. Peter writes:

Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives.
— 1 Peter 3:1

In this passage the husband is being won to Christ… not to the wife. (See a parallel passage from Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:16.) Winning is about getting the person to Jesus. And so it is with gaining my brother.